Pressure

Living life surrounded by people that love you sounds like every decent human being's dream, doesn't it? I've been reading the Psalms lately, and it seems like the writer is constantly feeling the tension of being surrounded by people who wish him harm. When I read his fears and problems poured out on the page, I am suddenly grateful for the fact that I seem to be flanked by good friends who have a genuine desire to see me succeed and prosper.

While this is a most desirable position to be in, it has the unfortunate side effect of often being uncomfortable. It comes with its own tensions and anxieties, which can generally be boiled down to a single word: pressure. It doesn't sound like such a bad problem, considering the alternative: living a life that no one cares about. Regardless, there's an aspect of being loved and of people having high expectations of you that feels, at least to me, truly tragic. That is, I feel like I live my life in a perpetual and inescapable condition in which, in every action I take, I'm never quite sure whether I'm doing it for God, for myself, or for those people around me.

In other words, I live in a constant state of uncertainty regarding my motives. I'm not sure if this is unusual or not. I just have a sincere hunger in my heart that my motives would be pure. I hate doing good if I feel like I'm doing it to be seen or to fulfill others' expectations, almost to the point that I'd rather do nothing at all.

I guess the challenge is simply to find the will of God, obey, and be content in it. Easier said. But I'm learning. I know who I am in Christ. I know the gifts I've been given. I know the word of God and the will of God revealed therein. I'm going to try to set my eyes on those things and those things alone.

Forgetting Keys

All our lives we look for keys,
sometimes overturning cushions,
other times giving up, in hope
we'll find it when we're not looking.

In all our searching we fail
to see: There's no locks.

No doors.
No wall-surrounded holes.

No combination of numbers
will open up love.
Left, right, right, left
is just a longer way
of going straight ahead.

This isn't cynicism though.
I like it.
Life is more
than a padlocked door.