I've written about this several times in the past, but it's a topic I will likely continue to revisit periodically, to see if new insights develop in my thinking. There are a plethora of terms popping up recently to describe circumstances in which people seem to experience something atypical regarding romantic or sexual drive. Terms like asexual or demisexual seek to describe something atypical--not regarding whom a person is attracted to, but rather--in what circumstances a person experiences attraction at all.
What we seem to think of as the norm is: initial attraction can develop almost instantly in a person, catches them by surprise in a moment, primarily based on perception of physical beauty and/or desirable personality traits. Then, based on future experiences (dating or other socializing), that attraction can either fade or develop further. If the attraction is mutual, then a committed relationship can form.
Personally, I don't identify wholly with terms like asexual or demisexual or aromantic, but neither do I identify wholly with what appears to be the norm as articulated above. I experience attraction to women, I think in a way that's mostly normal (though it's difficult to say what's normal when it comes to internal experiences). But even in this initial attraction, I've noticed that for me, it has never been exclusively based on physical beauty. There has to be at least one other factor, and that other factor can be fairly simple or even trivial, like a shared interest. But I don't ever get "swoony" over a complete stranger based purely on looks.
It's what happens after the initial attraction that I think is most atypical for me: The initial attraction doesn't lead to a strong desire to date/court/pursue the woman. If, in the circumstances, I don't have the opportunity to interact with the person further, the attraction will simply fade and be forgotten. Or the same might happen if I do have the opportunity to get to know her, but then other factors lead to being un-attracted. Throughout my entire adult life, I have only developed a strong desire to act on my attraction in a few rare circumstances--circumstances which have always included first the development of a significantly strong friendship.
I don't think this is an ideal way to be, and sometimes I wonder if it is all simply avoidance. What I mean is, am I simply so dreading of all the work/responsibility/accountability/vulnerability/life changes that would come with a committed relationship, that I've built myself I nice little fortress around it all? But even if that were true, I would wonder why that doesn't seem to be the case for most people. For most, doesn't the desire for romance/sex get strong enough to override their fears? Why not the same for me? That question usually leads me back around to the idea that maybe my romantic ambitions really are just weaker than the average person's, for whatever reason that may be. Or, must I consider that maybe my fears really are just that strong?
Another possibility is that I've rarely been at a point in my life where I feel ready to be a good match for someone. I mean, considering my current circumstances, my best pick-up line would be: "Hey girl, do you prefer your men to be low in cash or in assets? Cuz honey, you're lookin' at the total package. Pick me up at 8?"
Either way, I have the added advantage (or disadvantage, depending on perspective and context) that I am quite content being single. Bear in mind that I am Christian and believe that sex is reserved for marriage. So I don't mean that I am content to be a free-wheeling bachelor. I mean that I am content to be wholly single. I could see myself getting married some day, but the thought of not doing so causes me no grief whatsoever. As I am now approaching the age of 37, my genes and hormones probably despise me right about now, but their dissatisfaction doesn't ever seem to reach my mental state.
And by this point, my thinking always circles back to one thing: how can I focus more on using my singleness as an advantage and as a blessing to others? If I am going to be atypically romantic, let me at least be atypically generous, kind, and God-serving. I have a long way to go, but 'tis a great adventure.
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