A List

I came up with 10 things you can do to feel like a really important/awesome person when you're walking around on campus:

10. Always have your cell phone out. If you're not actually talking to anyone, pretend. And act like you're really chewing them out about something.

9. Puff up your shoulders, stick out your chest, and flex your arms as you walk. Do this just enough to look buff, but not so much that you draw attention to yourself.

8. One word: scowl.

7. Walk at a steady, fairly quick pace, and look frustrated when having to walk around people or slow down, or . . .

6. Walk at a cool, relaxed pace. Take the time to stop and smell the occasional flower.

*Whether you do 6 or 7 just depends on what kind of mood you're in: 7 is, "I have really important stuff to do, so get out of my way you buncha slow-poke slackers." 8 is more along the lines of, "I'm so important that it doesn't matter if I'm late because no one will dare hold me accountable for it, so I take my time, fool."

5. Smile and wave at random people that you don't know. It might even help if you say, "Hey, [insert random name here]." Then the people behind you will think you must be really important and awesome because you know everybody.

*Now, you might be thinking that this will make you look really dumb if the person stops and says, "Hey, that's not my name. Do I know you?" But trust me, that never happens.

4. When crossing the street at a crosswalk, pay attention to the street light. Time your walk so that you start crossing just before the light turns, to where your foot makes contact with the street at the exact second that the crosswalk says walk and the beeping sound starts.

3. God forbid, but if you happen to drop something, DON'T pick it up. If someone picks it up for you, act like you didn't notice, casually take it back, and keep walking.

2. If you pass by someone who happens to be smoking a cigarette, pull it out of their mouth and throw it on the ground. Don't stop to do this. Keep a steady pass and do it quickly as you pass them by. If you do it correctly, that may not even notice who did it.

1. Finally, the number one way to feel really awesome and important when walking around on campus: hum one of two tunes inaudibly to yourself: either The Imperial March from Star Wars or Eye of the Tiger. If you do this, you'll feel like you own the freakin' campus, and the other 9 things will just come naturally to you.

~Ken, Born of Fire